Wednesday, November 16, 2011

An Open Letter To My Sister

In a moment of weakness, you agreed to be the legal guardian to my children should something happen to both me and Carrie.  Pray dear sister, pray, because I know that you are afraid of germs and that you have a weak stomach.  I think it is only fair to pass along a little information that I hope will prepare you for parenting my brood should the unthinkable happen.  You need to be prepared my sister, you need to know, so that you will not be surprised and overwhelmed.

First and foremost I suggest a rigorous course of systematic desensitization so that you will not lose your lunch when you witness or have to do the following:

1. Manny and JoJo are not yet potty trained.  Don't worry, they only poop in their diapers twice each day. They go through about twelve (combined) diapers total each day.  Don't worry, if they are on the same pace that Haven was on, they will be potty trained in about two years.  At that rate you will only have to change about 8500 diapers. 
2. Haven is finally potty trained, however, he has not learned yet how to complete the post poop paperwork.  Alas it is inevitable that you will get some unwanted um lets say stuff on your fingers.  Also, please be prepared for some particularly messy paperwork when he has diarrhea. 
3.  Grace is potty trained and able to do her own paperwork however she is afraid of the dark so you will have to stop what you are doing to turn the light on for her.
4.  It is only fair to warn you that if you leave JoJo naked for more than a nanosecond, he will pee and poop on your floor.  The good thing is Manny waits until he is taking a bath to poop, so count on running his bath twice.  If he does poop in the tub, please clean it immediately before he and JoJo play with it.
5.  Please be aware that when changing JoJo's diaper that you need to keep his hands away from any poop.  It tends to get under his fingernails and it's really hard to get the smell out.

OK that's toileting. How is your stomach?

My children are good for about one cold per child per month.  Here is some advice.
1. If the snot is clear that is OK.  If it is green, don't use a white object to clean it, it will just turn that object green as well.
2.  Don't bother to wash your hands, you are going to get their cold anyway.
3.  If their snot is clear, don't  wear dark clothing, you will look like you fell asleep in a snail aquarium.
4.  If their snot is green don't wear anything white (see no.1 above).

1. If you know that one of the babies is sick and might puke, please don't feed them milk.  Milk reacts with stomach acid to produce a very stinky version of cottage cheese.  You too will puke.
2.  Spaghetti sauce puke is very hard to get out of the carpet.
3.  Do not make Grace eat anything that makes her gag when she looks at it.  She is not kidding.
4.  If one of the children has both diarrhea and is puking, it is better to put their butt over the toilet not their face.

These are just a few of the real crises that you will face should you decide to go through with guardianship of our children.  Should you be having second thoughts dear sister, please call and I will give you the number of one of Carrie's sisters.

Good luck and God Speed


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